"We did once try to recreate the Christmas story in Australia, but we couldn’t find 3 wise men. Or a virgin, for that matter…"

So that’s Christmas and New Year done and dusted. It all went by in a bit of a blur and there wasn’t really much time to do anything other than ring my ma & pa and apologise for me and my brother being such being such bad offspring (what with me being in the Atlantic dodging Whales and him in Afghanistan dodging bullets) and make the dog run round the kitchen table when she heard me on speakerphone. Due to this marked lack of time to wax lyrical about what’s been going on recently, in a change from your usual update on all the newlyweds and nearlydeads aboard my bigass boat, I figured a list of a few things I’ve learned in the last year might be cool instead. Here goes:

·        Finding out that people read my nonsensical ramblings in places such as Russia and Croatia is a bit bonkers. Actually knowing anyone reads anything I put on here is slightly crackers. But pretty cool too

·        Everyone should see Rammstein play live before they die – who wouldn’t be impressed by a man wearing 25ft angel wings that shoot flames at each end? BANG BANG!

·        I like not having a cellphone again

·        Hot tubs rule

·        If you ask nicely enough, Skin from Skunk Anansie will sign your nipple

·        Not having to take your wallet to your local rocks

·        The Inland Revenue are a big bunch of liars – Tax is always taxing

·        System of a Down are reforming : D

·        Passengers who will unexpectedly be needing to disembark the ship horizontally are kept in the flower freezer until such time as this is possible

·        Having your dirtbike stolen sucks serious balls

·        Finding out your dirtbike wasn’t covered under insurance sucks even more balls

·        Having your buddy’s dirtbike stolen by the same bunch of bastards is almost even worse

·        Having your parent’s car stolen in the same night is just the icing on a shitty cake

·        Having my stuff stolen from my own home almost makes me want to buy a gun to wipe out any more workshy pikey fuckers who may decide to pay a visit in the future. Tony Martin for Prime Minister!

·        On a ship you’re supposed to sneeze into your arm

·        You don’t need any A levels to get a half decent degree

·        I should have bought an Ipod years ago

·        Levi Sherwood is actually made of rubber

·        For some reason, sometimes we really do hurt the ones we love the most

·        There is no good way to ask gay couples “which one of you wants to be the man?” when posing them for a photo

·        Being able to say you were there when Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax and Slayer played on the same stage on the same day for the first time ever is pretty freakin’ sweet. Even if I very nearly did go to the gig on the wrong day. OK, so my Polish isn’t all it could be!

·        Slash once came close to joining Megadeth

·        Having no windows in your bedroom will almost certainly leave your body clock more confused than a Hermaphrodite’s y-fronts

Apologies for the less than stellar update, I promise next time there’ll be far more to rock your socks, including some info on my new roommate Chris and my participation in the Miss Westerdam 2011 contest (Awwwwww yeah!).

 I’ve also decided my resolution is to do a Parachute jump before year’s end, possibly on my birthday and maybe naked, so if it all goes tits up at least I’ll leave the world the same way I came in ; ) Anyone else game?

Hope Santa was kind and y’all had a Happy new beer.

 Thanks for reading.